Your pants please

Well, I knew there was a reason I had put off going to the Dr. for a while.
The Dr. met me in the waiting room, even came out to get me himself. I should have known this was going to be an intimate relationship. He was very well dressed and newly bronzed. I on the other hand, came ready for the appointment with my flip flops and jeans and hair in a pony tail. I should have know this was a bad idea when the office was next door to Armani. Nonetheless, I forged on. I followed him into his office and sat confidently down in the seat.
We got through the formalities of all my aches and pains and then he stands up and says something about my pants. So I stood there and repeated "pants?" as if I didn't understand. So, he ever so politely said it again, this time with hand jesters.
Don't panic. Don't panic.
Reluctantly I remove the pants. Now is a good time to mention that I have not been in a swim suit in some time and that Brandon is out of town a fair bit. I might have gotten a bit lazy on my shaving duties. Did I mention I was wearing a thong? Shit. So I remove the pants and stand with my back to the chair...as if that is going to help.
It gets better.
Now he points to my top. I would also like to now mention that I was at the Rheumatologist. So I remove the top. As I stand there extremely uncomfortable in my skin he motions for me to have a seat on the table...and starts to examine my fingers!!! That's right I am now half naked to have my fingers examined. O' but it gets worse. Now he has me laying on my back and he is checking my knees and hips. I so wish that I would have waxed!
During this he asks me if my back hurts. Stupid me I say yes.
Now, I am standing with my white and ever so pasty back side facing Dr. Tan and I hear the words, "touch your toes." You have got to be kidding me. At this point I start laughing. Dr. Tan inquires to my nervous laughter and I simply state we just don't do this in the States. The whole nude thing that is. Completely motionless he says, "Why, it is essential for a complete examination." So I pull a half naked Jane Fonda in his office.
I swear this country is begging me to become an alcoholic.


A family said...

you crack me up! I almost did not want to finish this, for fear of what i may learn about you. but it was well worth it. keep it up. by the way, your babes are beautiful!
(i'm jaclyns sister)

Becky said...

Try having a child overseas. Nude, pregnant, hairy women walking around in front of everyone. Even other husbands. Good GOD!!! I am so glad I got out of there before giving birth or I would have died. If it makes you feel any better, my Rheumatologist made me get nakey.And that's before I let you start violating my meow meow. So there. At least your ass isn't big...

Cari said...

LMAO!! I totally pictured your face while you were telling the story! So awesome!!

Campbell's House said...

I feel like I was watching the whole thing unfold! And I could hear you laughing all the way across the pond in Texas. HILARIOUS!!

Grandmama said...

What? No pictures to document the visit?? I burst out laughing in my office. You have GOT to write a book and I will be your editor!
Love you, deb

Carol said...

That will learn you for neglecting your "shaving duties"!

Great story!

Love ya!


Kerry said...

I found your blog somehow and I love it. You crack me up. I love reading about your life in Paris and all the differences there are compared to the states. I don't think I could visit the doctor in France.

P.S. I live in Frisco, TX... not too far from where you came from. :)

Copper Rabbit said...

What is a Jane Fonda? I am all by myself laughing like a hyena. For goodness sake I will bring you an exam gown from God Fearing Texas. Does Brandon know what you do when he is out of town? Love you, Otter

Jaclyn said...

holy s-h-i-t. i am laughing out loud by myself and "PigPen" comes out to tell me to come to bed and be quiet - i'll wake the baby... but i want more!!! i agree - you totally HAVE to write a book. I now have my sister reading... love ya! - jack-a-do

Bur said...

Fear and Loathing in Paris! You are the best Pegg!

Kim McCaslin Schlieker said...

OMG!!! You can't be serious!! My makeup is running down my face, from histerical laughter. I swear, Peggy, you need to write a book on your adventures in Paris!